My intervention

My family decided to all gather and come to my house for a little talk.  My son turns on my tv and starts questioning me.  "What is this newscaster saying?" he asks.  I tell him I can't hear with the volume down so low.  He informs me the volume is only 2 away from being at full blast.  


My daughter-in-law and my granddaughter start yelling at me, I don't know what they said but they appeared upset.  I had about enough of this nonsense after an hour and ask them all to leave.


The fact is I have some hearing loss.  I don't have trouble hearing men as they have some bass in their voices.  I can still hear sirens, the alarm clock and my front door bell.  I don't hear women unless they are very close and don't mumble.  

I don't plan on getting one of those hearing devices.  I may reconsider if and when I can no longer hear sirens, door bells or alarm clocks.  Right now I am only missing out on conversations women have with each other, and let's face it, who really wants to hear that?  The constant complaining, the nagging, the bitchiness and all the rest of it.  THAT'S MY JOB!  I don't want to hear them taking over MY JOB.  The women who are important in my life can adjust to me, they can sit closer and speak loudly.  I actually like having a little peace now.

So dear family, I am happy having this little joy in my life right now so don't ruin it!  I am NOT getting a hearing aid and you can't make me!

The constipated blogger

Did you ever see those nice, regular blogs?  They post once a day, usually at the same time.  There's enough information and humor in each post.  I hate them!  Well, not really.  I am jealous.  They are getting their daily allowance of fiber.



My blog starts like diarrhea.  Spurts of information and odd things.  There's some regularity eventually, but now it's constipated.  It took a long time and a lot of straining, however when I look in the toilet (blog) there's only a tiny turd.  All that work and this is the result?

So I decided to get the problem checked.  A colonoscopy is to be performed.  The procedure itself shouldn't bother me as I am to be sedated.  The preparation is another story altogether.  I don't know what died in my bowels but it's trying to claw itself out.  What in the hell did they poison me with? 



I will be sleeping sitting on the toilet tonight.  I will NEVER again complain about constipation.

What do I have to do to get a durn laptop sleeve?

Photo: Vivek Chugh 

I finally got a deal on a Toshiba laptop, 17.3 inch screen.  I have no complaints, yet.  I do like to keep a tidy house.  There's a place for everything and everything should be in it's place.  I want a laptop sleeve.  A laptop belongs in a laptop sleeve when not in use. 

Choices for a sleeve for a 17.3 inch laptop do NOT exist.  False advertising leads me to believe that all 16.5 inch sleeves will fit my laptop, they DO not.  A 16.5 inch laptop sleeve can house a 17 inch Mac-not MY laptop.  I have .3 more inches (not showing off here but that .3 inches counts).  The more I search, the more I see that laptop sleeves are made specifically for Macs.  Do people really prefer Macs?

I will not be forced to purchase the only ugly sleeve that will house my laptop!  I will freaking make one myself, dammit!

First stop is to ebay.  I purchase closed cell neoprene foam for $36.99.  Shipping on this is $14.75.  My next purchase is from fashion fabric club.  $23.65 is spent on fabric, $6.95 on shipping.  I've already spent $82.34 and I haven't yet purchased thread to match my fabric or a zipper or a weaved nylon handle.  I find out my damn sewing machine is busted and I have to do all of this by hand.  I am beyond pissed that $21.70 goes to shipping costs.  I wouldn't have to do this if I had any decent shops anywhere near me, but I don't.  I'm in hillbilly land.  The only thing I can get around here are canning supplies, ammo for a shotgun and dynamite for fishin'.  Yep, dynamite fishing.  Too effing lazy to fish the old fashioned way...I digress...

So, my 'deal' on this damn laptop actually isn't the deal I asked for.  That $82.34 I spent on material could have gone toward a Mac.  THEN I could have gotten a nice, cheap laptop sleeve WITH FREE SHIPPING!

The Guggenheim, Vasily Kandinsky and Jerry Springer

Photo: Richard Bussink

I had the opportunity to visit this museum in New York recently.  I stood in line that wrapped around the building and up the road.  Freezing my ass off, I was entertained by all the different noises going on around me. I overheard several conversations in French, Spanish, German and Russian  and I enjoyed the music these languages played on my senses.  

The wait to get in the museum was long.  We went in the evening on a Saturday.  You can name your admission price instead of paying full price during that time.  I haven't been able to barter since I was in Mexico so I was ok waiting outside.  Anything to save a buck, right?

I took a few artists with me on this trip.  I know nothing about art, I just like what I like and don't care to investigate why I like a thing or how a thing makes me feel.  I figured I'd bounce my opinions off my artist friends to see how it measured up.  I soon see that the museum is nothing except Kadinsky's art, an artist I never heard of.  I decide to try to learn something but I failed.  I was beyond bored and unimpressed.  I was more impressed with the actual building and studied it's every crevice.  This building is impressive.  I would love to have it for 1 day just so I can rollerblade down the ramps.  This would be heaven!

I met my artist friends outside and we discussed how we felt about Kadinsky.  I was shocked to hear my friends felt the same way I did.  We want to have a party there, without Kadinsky's art.  Rollerblading at the Guggenheim would be a dream come true.

We bumped into a couple of exchange students from France.  They were looking for directions and my friend answered them in French.  They had a good laugh about something, and when they were questioned about their favorite American entertainment, the answer was "Jerry Springer".  They were serious. 

So to sum up, I go to New York, try to expand my horizons, get a little cultured, find other topics to discuss with my non-American friends.  I soon see that Kandinsky is not a great subject to start; if I want a great topic to discuss, bring up Jerry Springer.  Everybody knows Jerry, even the French.

Fendi vs Coach-Coach Wins!

A friend of mine stopped by for the holidays and handed me a beautiful Coach handbag.  I would never spend that much money on myself and would never buy a designer bag.  My friend has expensive taste and the money to buy things like this so I accepted the gift graciously.  I also heard the story as to why I was being gifted with a Coach bag and not a Fendi.


Specialty boutiques carrying designer merchandise apparently employ people who would otherwise fail at just about everything else in life.  The attitude of these boutique cashiers (yes, you are a cashier NOT a rocket scientist) is to treat potential customers as if they were carrying the black plague.  The Fendi people went out of their way to employ these self righteous, bitter people.  Now I can understand this behavior from clerks if jobs were plentiful, however in this economy (yes, I am sick to death of hearing "in this economy") you may want to actually WORK as you can and will be replaced.  


My friend walks into the Fendi boutique and the second he tries to get the attention from the bitter ice queen he is met with a wagging finger.  The ice queen was on her cell phone attempting to converse with her boyfriend through her clentched teeth.  "I gotta go, another loser just walked in.  I f'ing hate this stupid job." THIS is what my friend is greeted with at Fendi.  Bravo Fendi!  No sale for you!


Coach was the winner that day.  The clerk was pleasant and helpful.  No gumchewing bitter bitch was taking care of personal calls during her work day at Coach.  No finger wagging and no insults were thrown at my friend.  Coach clearly cares more about sales and service.  My friend only wanted to purchase one bag but ended up buying four (the clerk must have been HOT).



Shortly after my friend left I looked up Fendi online and I have to say I am beyond thrilled that Fendi employed bitter people, their handbags are UGLY!   So a big thank you goes out to the bitter ice queen. Thanks hon for being a bitch and preventing my friend from purchasing something I wouldn't be caught dead wearing.

PHUCK YOU PHOTOBUCKET!!!

WARNING-this post contains some bad language including the word SEX.  Do not read this post if you are sensitive, sexually repressed or if you do not like to see the word 'retard' used.  You have been warned.


Look at this image:

Do any of you find this photo pornographic?  Does this make your nipples and/or penis harden up with sexual excitement?  If you are seriously turned on by a cartoon lacking real genetalia, you need meds!  Stop fecking reporting my fecking images to the photobucket bot.

I am working on a project for my friend soapyho.  Now you really should NOT visit that site if you are UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE or if you are offended by things of a sexual nature.  This image was placed in my photobucket account.  Some holier than thou, creepy fucktard has reported that image as PORNOGRAPHY and now that image looks like this:

Phuck you photobucket for not looking at my PORNOGRAPHY and seeing it for what it truly is.  It's a phucking cartoon you rebot (retarded robot)!

Oh, and a big phuck you to the idiot who reported it.  I hope you rot in a porno hell ridden by legless, naked, cartoon midgets unless that secretly turns you on you freaking WEIRDO!!!

p.s. I removed all my photobucket images and safely relocated them to ripway.

p.p.s.  I loaded up my photobucket account with real porn.

You CAN'T click on my ads

I signed up on blogcatalog and it took about a week for the powers that be to accept this stupid blog.  I will admit that half the traffic to this blog is directly from blogcatalog.  The other half is from mybloglog.

I often get messages in my blogcatalog shoutbox that go a little like this:

"Thank you for visting my blog, I have visited yours and clicked all your ads.  Please visit me at (insert 17 different blog links) and click mine.  Thanks friend!"

These messages come from people I have not visited.  The funny thing about those messages is that it is obvious that they NEVER fecking visited my blog as I HAVE NO FECKING ADS!  Then I have to go and delete the damn message from my shoutbox.  It infuriates me that someone thinks they are going to play me like a fool.

I hate them (ads).  I hate the way they look.  If I want to find something I will fecking google it the old fashioned way.  I don't visit blogs that have them.  It just looks ugly and distracts me from the content of the blog.

So dear "friend", click all you want on this blog, I get nothing!  I have no ads and do not intend to get them.  Do be a bit smarter in the future my dear "friend".  If you want clicks find someone else as I have figured out your little game.

Oh, and Happy fecking New Year!

 

 

Photo: Nicole Shackelford